Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
