The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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