please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
