I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
