so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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