just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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