I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize