Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
