I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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