I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
