You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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