The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
