I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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