Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize