smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
