my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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