burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
