i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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