Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
