did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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