The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
