Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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