Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
