I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
