goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
