I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
PANTIES FOUND
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