Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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