My friends, they love my intelligence
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
