I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
