you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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