She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
