When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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