the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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