you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
