I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
