When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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