Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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