dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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