Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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