after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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