I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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