True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
