I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
