So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
