I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
