sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i think i have two assholes
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
