he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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