Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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