I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
