I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
