so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
