Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
