Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize